Today:
This is hard. Really hard. I’ve been hanging on to this post for a week. I’m frankly scared to post this because, while I’m not exactly a people pleaser (you can’t please everyone all of the time, nor should you try to), I do hate for people to think ill of me. On Sunday night I was involved in a three car accident which involved two other cars losing control because they were traveling too fast in weather conditions. My car and I got the worst of it being essentially caught in the middle. I am grateful to be alive though, and it’s given me time to reflect on what impact I may or may not have on the world. This blog doesn’t have a ton of readers yet, so other than friends and family, my sphere of influence is pretty small. I think if I can help one person avoid some of my mistakes by posting the following story, it will be worth it. So here goes…
Last week:
I was going to post tips about starting a keto diet today. I’m also working on a review of Solo: A Star Wars Story. But I feel I need to own up to an epic mom fail. While I have a pretty good relationship with my kids, I still fail at this parenting thing sometimes. And sometimes I do it spectacularly.
We just went to Whirlwind’s Senior Awards night. For some reason I forgot they announce scholarship winners during this time. I sat there for over an hour and a half hearing scholarship after scholarship being awarded, thinking of how many kids I hope to send to college, and knowing my kid would not receive a single one.
The reason he wouldn’t receive a scholarship?
He didn’t apply.
He was so afraid of being rejected that he didn’t put himself out there to apply.
The funny thing is he turned it around a lot the second half of the year, and really stretched himself. He joined the academic team and tennis team. Tennis was really hard for him. More than once I heard him say he wanted to quit because he didn’t feel he was very good. His coaches and I kept talking to him about improving himself and just having fun rather than winning. Tennis practice took up a lot of time–he didn’t get home until 6:15 most nights. He stayed with it, and kept on top of his grades, but any remaining scholarships he could’ve applied had deadlines that slipped away.
He’s graduating fifth in his class with better than a 4.0. He’s an Eagle Scout, active in church and community. He was Vice President of the service club at school while they had an advisor. He belongs to multiple Honor societies and has over 100 service hours in the community. He’s taken and passed multiple AP classes/tests. He was awarded five academic awards tonight.
It’s so hard because I know in my heart he could have received at least one scholarship had he applied for a half dozen of the ones we heard about tonight. I believe in him so much.
He doesn’t believe in himself.
After the ceremony, things started off well enough, but I couldn’t leave well enough alone. I got after him for not pushing himself more. For not applying. And while it’s true you’ll always get nothing if you don’t even try, tonight was not the night to have this conversation.
He usually feels he and his efforts fall short and he isn’t good enough for anyone. He feels he can never be enough, do enough to be good or worthy.
I essentially just said, “Good job, but it wasn’t good enough.”
Epic mom fail.
I know better than this. I’m always trying to help him see how worthwhile he is independent of any accomplishments. I try to acknowledge effort over accomplishment, and to help him see his own potential which will come through hard work.
And tonight I couldn’t just focus on what he’s done. Tonight I harped on what he hadn’t done.
He rightfully told me,”An otherwise fun evening has now been ruined and sucks.”
I apologized, but too late I fear. How do I make up ruining his award night?
We still need to have discussions about continuing to push outside comfort zones, but it’s not tonight, and it’s not like this.
I love and believe in this kid so much. It hurts me he doesn’t believe in himself. He doesn’t even like me to tell him I believe in him, because he feels he will ultimately disappoint me.
How do I help him understand that while we all occasionally do disappointing things, that never diminishes my love for him, my faith in him and my belief that he can do great things?
I’ve been praying for inspiration to know what to do.
Right now the only answer I’ve got, is I’m going to go hug him, apologize again and maybe let him read this. He is amazing and I’m lucky to be his mom.
Good job Whirlwind. You make me proud every day. I love you.
Today:
In the end, after much prayer, I took this post in and asked him to read it. He did and we both cried and cried. We talked and talked.
I apologized again for letting my emotions get the best of me. I pointed out how capable he was and how he had proven my faith in him from how hard he had worked to stretch and grow and accomplish hard things.
We talked again about how it’s never been about the grades, but about the efforts put in. I want them to do all they can to succeed at something and that is enough. As long as they try and really do their best when they try, I’m happy with their efforts.
I told him I had been frustrated in the past with Firstborn’s C in precalculus/trigonometry, not because of a failed tests, but because Firstborn just didn’t hand in assignments if they weren’t complete. A 50% on half-done work was much better than taking a zero because it was never handed in.
I’ve never expected my kids to be great at everything.
No one is.
I do expect them to do their best in everything.
In the end he accepted my apology and we both agreed to make it a much better celebration week. He also acknowledged he should have applied for scholarships and says he intends to do so after his first semester at school.
The rest of the week went so much better. His paternal grandparents came into town, we had an Eagle Court of Honor for him and two other boys, and we saw him graduate with highest honors. More than one person commented on how much growth they’ve seen in him and how much his hard work impresses them. His former Scoutmaster paid a nice tribute to him and the other boys.
Parenting is hard. It is hard to find the right balance between push and support, between wanting to protect them, but being willing to let them fail because it will help them more in the long run if they learn to pick themselves up and try again. It’s a tightrope and sometimes we are walking it blindly.
I wish you all luck out there. I hope when you are tempted to get upset with your child, you step back and find the most appropriate time to have the hard conversations with them. I hope you find the right balance and when you are blindfolded, you seek help from whatever higher power you believe in to get help. I believe we are God’s children and He wants to help us. We just need to let him.
Have a “Bee”-utiful day!
