Hello.
Hello friends. I’m not going to lie, it’s been a while since I’ve written here. The reason is I was diagnosed with mild depression.
This has been the hardest year and half of my life in many ways.
I’ve had a lot to be grateful for. Two more of my sons (Whirlwind and Lawboy) graduated high school and started college. We’ve had some challenges with my kids, but in many ways they have grown. I’m so proud of them and their efforts. We’ve had relative health in many ways. I have family and friends who love me and support me. I have found supportive people to cheer me on in my journey.
Yet, I have been battling depression and so have some of my dear loved ones.
Why Has Depression Hit Us?
Honestly, for all of us we’re probably both genetically predisposed to depression. We have family histories of depression and circumstances have been challenging.
One of our loved ones has struggled since the death of my mother-in-law nearly three years ago. She was the glue that held the extended family together. She had unique insights into her family and how to serve all around her. Her loss has been devastating. We lost one of our touchstones.
Another family member has had anxiety which has been paralyzing at times and made him prone to depression. He gets into negative thought spirals and has a difficult time breaking the spiral. He tends to self-sabotage when he gets this way.
Another member has been affected by her family’s move and having to acclimate to a new environment.
For me–my depression has been a mixture. My husband has had to travel pretty much weekly for the last few years, and it has stretched me thin. Add on top of that feeling responsible for things that aren’t really mine (boundaries) and trying to help everyone and I’ve gotten in over my head.
For each of us it has hit us in different ways. This post will focus on my own journey.
A Little More Background on My Journey With Depression
I read a fantastic book, “Silent Souls Weeping” by Jane Clayson Johnson. Knowing so many family members struggle with depression, I wanted to understand what my loved ones were going through. I wanted to be supportive, and figure out the right way to do that. Loving someone with depression and not trying to “fix them” is one of the best things we can do.
As I read however, I realized that I too had suffered from depression at different points in my life. I also recalled once hearing a doctor say in a radio interview we really need to call it postpartum disorder because it doesn’t always manifest as sadness. Between that interview and this book, I realized I likely had postpartum depression (or disorder which is the better term in my humble opinion) with multiple babies.
In me it manifested as agitation and irritation all the time. I was stressed about little things. There were times I had errant thoughts that horrified me-like worrying about dropping the baby as I walked down the stairs. I love my children and would not hurt them, and yet I was terrified I would do something to hurt them. Denial and silence were my go to. I desperately focused my energies on bonding with the new baby, but I realize now my other relationships suffered because I was unable to connect the way I usually did to my other family members. And finally, realizing I never spoke up because I was terrified they would take my children away.
I see now the many follies of my thinking.
A side note–I’ve always been a big proponent for counseling. There are just some things we don’t have the natural tools and abilities to know how to cope well with.
I myself have gone into counseling at various points in my life, and I have found you get as much out of counseling as you put into it. If I show up and I’m not fully honest with myself or the clinician, I won’t get the full benefit. If I show up and expect someone else to fix me, but I am not willing to do the work, it’s not going to work. I think that though I talked to clinicians about some of my anxiety, I wasn’t fully honest with them or myself about what kind of state I was really in. I probably needed medication, but I confess I’m fairly certain I viewed taking medication as a sign I was weak or faulty.
After reading Jane Clayson Johnson’s book, I understood more about the physical way depression can affect our brain. There are physiologically pathways that don’t connect well when a person suffers from depression. Willpower only goes so far. This kind of organic depression goes beyond the situational or the sadness we feel when we make poor choices. This is something that we can’t fix on our own.
When I Realized I Was Suffering From Depression
In December I went to my doctor once again. I felt like something had to be physically wrong with me-whether it be my thyroid or something else. Every day living was challenging. I was able to feed my kids and do the minimum of house cleaning, but going to the grocery store or even ordering groceries for pickup felt like more than I could do. I was so tired each and every day. I’ve been trying to eat healthier and get sleep, but I was dragging.
I recognized I wasn’t connecting with my children the way I normally do. Many days I felt irritated and agitated most of the time like I had with postpartum disorder. I often wanted to sleep or just hide in my room. Every day I felt like I was walking through a swamp and I was exhausted mentally, spiritually and physically.
My labs and tests were all normal.
My doctor, whom I also consider a good friend, spent a lot of time talking to me. She is aware of the stressful and difficult things I’ve been dealing with this last year or two. Other family members are in her care, so she also knows about the mental health status of other family members. She knows how strong I’ve tried to be for everyone. We had a very frank conversation in which I realized I was trying to blame hormones or something else for how I was feeling. In the end I tearfully admitted, “I think I need help.”
She knows me well enough she prescribed the lowest dosage she could to start me out, and I made a follow-up appointment. Even still, it was three days before I took the medication. I talked to a counselor, my acupuncturist (whom I was seeing about headaches and shoulder pain) and another person who is also in the mental health field, and they reassured me it was okay to take this step forward. One of them said to me, “Does it matter if it’s organic depression or overwhelm? You’re not functioning the way you want to be. You’re struggling.” I realized why I’m struggling isn’t really the point. Taking the medication would hopefully help me get the traction I needed to start stepping out of the swamp.
The First Month
The first few weeks and month on the medication were emotionally challenging. I started off feeling like I was doing something concrete to help myself, but there were a few days when I seemed to be a bit more emotionally volatile and I honestly wondered if I had made a mistake. My friend, who is a mental health professional, encouraged me to keep going forward. She told me to give medication a good six months to see if it would really be of help.
I had a follow-up with my doctor and realized, while the medication was helping, it might not quite be a high enough dose. She raised my dose slightly.
Today
Today I am doing so much better. I am connecting with my kids. Rather than enduring hugs, I am gladly receiving them and giving them back. I spend time with my kids one-on-one doing projects and crafts and playing with them again. I have been connecting with them and other family members the way I used to before this round of depression got the better of me. Life and my home don’t constantly overwhelm me anymore. I don’t walk into rooms in my house and feeling completely defeated and paralized just stepping through the doorway. I am able to pick up, clean, and tidy. While I do enjoy downtime, I’m not hiding in my room from my family. I am with them—physically and mentally.
Spiritually I am doing better too. I was finding it hard to connect with God the way I typically have in my life. My religious leader counseled me to use the medication, counseling and other resources I was drawing upon as tools to access the power of Jesus’s atonement to help me heal.
When I was in the midst of the depression, I could not really understand what he meant. Now that I am in a good, stable place, I see how the medication and all the tools I’ve been using are making it easier for me to reach out to my Father in Heaven and my Savior and ask for help. I feel inspiration again because my head is above the swamp water and I’m not just struggling to stay above it all. My circumstances haven’t really changed, but my ability to handle them has improved through the tools I’m using and above all–the grace of God.
What do I recommend? Six Tips If You Struggle with Depression
If you or a loved one is struggling with depression, I recommend the following (in no particular order):
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Learn more about the disease and how it affects the brain.
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Seek mental health help through counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy or other means.
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Seek medical help and medication if the situation is preventing you from living your life as you normally do.
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Reach out to God for an open heart and an understanding of what to do. Be patient. Depression can affect your ability to hear and receive that inspiration.
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Speak to others who have suffered from depression and hear their stories. You are not alone! You will likely find good guidance from their experiences.
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Cultivate beauty in your life. For example some time I moderated a photo board with beautiful pictures as a means to help me see beauty and be edified by it on a consistent basis in my life. You can see pictures I’ve taken on my posts on Instagram. I’m @8BusyBees and one of the sisters @4TravelingSisters.
I hope this post helps you find the courage to face what you are going through and comforts you. You are not alone in this. This is a disease that affects so many of us. You can do this!
Hang in there my friend. I am here to listen if you need to reach out. In the meantime, have a “Bee”-utiful day!
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When You’re Having One of Those Days (or Weeks, or Months, etc)