What’s new since I last wrote
All of those doctor visits? I found out my thyroid TSH levels are low (.58 is the latest) which as I now know–means borderline hyperthyroidism. The good news is this shouldn’t affect the baby.
Here’s the problem: Just because I fall into some technically random range of “normal” does NOT mean my thyroid is acting normally.
If this was normal then why have I had racing heart issues? Seriously why does it shoot up to 100+ beats a minute when I was resting quietly the minute before? How about 120 beats when I was just standing and looking at some papers? What about the increased agitation? The increasing frequency this is all happening with? This was all happening before I got pregnant, so while a racing heart may not be uncommon during pregnancy, that does not mean it is the norm for me. I’ve had five babies and this is NOT normal for me.
That said, I have to say I’ve had panic attacks before, and initially I thought I was having a series of panic attacks. I simply do not react well to certain medications, and they can bring on panic attacks and racing heart.
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Panic attacks and anxiety
My first panic attack was in 1998 when I received Vicodin after Firstborn’s C-section. I stopped taking the Vicodin and did better. It helped that my mom arrived. In 2004, someone decided I need to take Percocet after Princess Ballerina’s birth and the tearing I had. I should have listened to my gut and not taken the medication. The Lord has blessed me with a high pain tolerance and I think it was to balance out the reactions I have to some pain medications. I don’t like how morphine makes me itch and be fidgety.
The reaction to the Percocet was extreme. I couldn’t sleep, but I was so overly tired at the same time. My body kept slipping between dozing (only to be woken by the racing heart) and not quite dreaming, and wakefulness. I had weird half-asleep dreams/hallucinations and thoughts about being strapped down flat on my back while I was pregnant–waiting for surgery, and my baby was in danger. No one was there and no one would help me.
And then I didn’t sleep and dream for 3 days. I couldn’t relax. I had a hard time enjoying my sweet little girl. It was torture and traumatic.
I realize in retrospect I should have never taken the half Ambien recommended to me before I went in for induction. Then, because I am lucky enough to test positive for Group B Strep (do you hear the sarcasm?), I was given Pitocin and a high course of antibiotics before they broke my water. I ended up with an epidural as well. Then add the anti-fungal I had to take (because my body loves to immediately launch into thrush when I have antibiotics), and you get an interesting mix of drugs in my system. It was a nightmare. Too many drugs in my body interacting with each other.
Thankfully with Acroboy’s birth my midwives were really proactive in my care. I was worried about not being able to sleep. (How are you supposed to be able to sleep when every couple of hours someone comes in to check on your or your baby’s vitals and then offer you things like newspapers and baby’s first photo?) My midwives instructed that the baby and I be evaluated at the same time intervals. NO unnecessary interruptions, and they recommended I take advantage of naturally occurring tryptophan in turkey and warm milk. We also used hypnobirthing as part of our birth plan.
Everything was well and good until this last March when I had a severe cold and took a cold medication as often as allowed to try and relieve my symptoms (something I almost never do).
Result? Panic attack(s) that lasted more or less for three days. Yikes.
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I ended up talking to a counselor multiple times over the course of a few months trying to figure out what is going on. During that time, I found out I was pregnant, and then some of the fears of childbirth and what it means for my body came back. I worked through a good many issues and I was doing better for a little while.
Then I found out my pregnancy was ectopic and required immediate surgery. Did I mention DearHusband (DH) was on his way out of the country when this all started happening? Fortunately I had a fantastic friend stay with me until well into the night. I finally sent her home around 1:00 am, because she had little ones of her own to take care of. Sometime later I ended up facing my biggest nightmare–pregnant, strapped down to a bed and about to have surgery. Only this time I knew I wasn’t alone–I heard the voices of the doctors and nurses, and the room was bright. I faced one of my biggest fears and got through it. And even though my husband was gone, I felt the Lord comforting me through every step of this process.
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Where I’m at today
Since then, I’ve spoken with the counselor again. This time about my grief over the ectopic pregnancy. I began to try to piece things back together. However DH had to go out of the country again, and I kept having “panic attacks” (or what I perceived to be attacks at the time) with more and more frequency. It was so confusing. What was happening? Why was I suddenly a basket case? For years I had been a competent, strong woman. Why was I falling apart?
Things came to a head while DH was gone on his two-week business trip. I had become pregnant after the ectopic pregnancy fairly quickly–especially after losing one of my fallopian tubes. I was having a particularly bad evening and as he was on the other side of the world. He (wonderful man that he is) took time out of his meetings to help me figure out some things. He did some internet research and realized there might be a medical reason for what was happening to me.
The next day I called my nurse practitioner and we started looking into why I might be having these issues.
Once I realized there might be a medical reason, a strange thing happened–I stopped panicking when the racing heart would start. I’d been so used to associating the two, I thought I was having another panic attack whenever the racing heart happened.
At the writing of this post, I can distance myself from the sensation and say, “Hmm–my body is freaking out on me at the moment.”
I’m still not sure what is at the bottom of all of this. My good friend Anna has celiac, and has had a lot of the same issues I’ve had. She is a stalwart friend and a good listener. She is the one that suggested I look into celiac knowing I don’t really react well to wheat or gluten. I’m supposed to have that blood test soon.
The bottom line is, something in my body has changed, and I am determined to figure out what it is. I dearly wish I had a baseline TSH and other thyroid levels to compare my current state to. If I did, I suspect I could turn to the doctor and say, “Here’s where I am supposed to be, and here’s where I am now. What are we going to do about it?”
I’m not going to give up. I will eat healthier and I will find an answer that works for me and my family. We will, with the Lord’s help, find a way through all of this.
