If you are like me, when your differently wired teen* develops an interest in the opposite sex, you have to develop a whole new set of “rules” to help your child navigate flirting and dating. Social situations are hard enough when you don’t pick up on body language or subtle inflections of voice and tone that most “neurotypical” kids learn to read. My friend Lisa and I have four teenage boys we are helping navigate the tricky waters of dating. This list is geared towards teenage boys because that’s what we have. A lot of these rules will apply to girls too. I intend to get input from a couple of friends with differently wired teen girls to get their input for a list specific to them. Here are some of our rules for engagement.
*Debbie Reber of TiLT Parenting came up with the term “differently wired” to describe kids who fall outside the norm. It’s a good catch-all term for medical, cognitive and behavioral diagnosis that are different that the average person.
25 Dating Rules for My Differently Wired Teenage Sons
- Don’t hover near the object of your interest in hopes you can catch part of the conversation to dive into. It is considered creepy.
- You want to think of possible conversation openers ahead of time. Then you can legitimately approach the object of your affection with a conversation starter. A few examples of safe topics of conversation are: “What did you think of that ______ test?” “Have you seen any great movies lately?” “Do you have any exciting summer plans?” “Do you have any good book recommendations?”
- Whatever she says, don’t belittle or criticize. No one likes that.
- Listen well and ask follow-up questions. If she says she didn’t like something, ask her why. If she did like something, ask her what it was she really liked. If you listen, you can ask good questions. You can always practice with me.
- Do not keep bringing the conversation to your favorite topic whether it be anime, Pokémon, Mario or Fortnite. Good conversations flow and cover multiple topics.
- When starting or maintaining conversations either in person or via text, you want to keep the ratio of conversation starts on your part somewhere between 33-50% Essentially wait for her to respond. If she takes a while, that is okay. If you overwhelm her, it comes off creepy, stalker-ish, or domineering. Don’t be creepy, stalker-ish or domineering.
- Be polite and hold the door open for others. You have my permission to limit this to five-six people. You don’t want to hold the door open all night, but you should be polite if there are others in close proximity.
- Compliments on achievements, and hard work are great.
- Compliments on looks are okay if you keep it general. For instance, “You look very nice today,” or “I like your new haircut.”
- Do not use words like “sexy,” “hot,” “dope,” “phat,” (I don’t think anyone even uses that anymore), in your compliments.
- Do not use terms you are not absolutely sure you know the meaning of in your conversations. If in doubt ask me or a really good friend. You do not want to say something that would inadvertently offend because you didn’t know the proper meaning.
- One compliment being a good thing does not mean 3 or more compliments is even better. 3 compliments can come off as creepy, or stalk-ish. Don’t be creepy or stalker-ish. 🙂
- When going to a dance, remember not everyone gets told yes all the time. If you ask a girl to dance and she says no, respond by saying, “Okay, thanks anyway.” If the girl says yes, have a fun time dancing.
- When going to a dance solo, don’t ask girls who have brought dates to dance unless 1) You are already friends with her, and 2) you have arranged beforehand you to share one dance.
- If a girl says yes to dancing with you, don’t repeatedly ask her dance after dance. Let a minimum of five dances go between each time you ask her. Spread out the enjoyment of a dance over the course of the evening.
- If you take a girl to a dance as a date, follow all of the above rules except #14. By all means you should dance with your date as long as she is not tired.
- Ask your date periodically if she would like something to eat or drink, or if she would like to keep dancing or rest. I’d say a minimum of 1/2 hour in between each set of inquiries.
- At the end of any date, there is a goodnight. If you feel the date went well, and she displays any of the following behaviors, you may consider asking for a kiss. Behaviors: lingering at the doorstep by fiddling with keys, touching your arm or hand lightly, looking at your lips more than once or for an extended time.
- If she says no to a kiss, remember no means NO. Respect the NO. You can say in response, “Well, I had a great time. Thank you for the date. I’ll make sure you get inside safely.” She may or may not give you a hug.
- If she says yes to a kiss, congratulations! Follow her lead for length of kiss.
- If the date went okay, say goodnight with, “Thank you for a nice time.” Follow her lead whether or no there is a hug vs. no hug.
- If the date didn’t go well, “Thanks for the date. I’ll make sure you get inside safely.” Take a step back to let her get inside her home. Once she is inside the threshold, you can start to walk away. Stop, turn around, wave and say, “Goodnight”. Then turn and walk away.
- Post date–call no more than 48 hours after the date to thank her. If it went well, you might consider asking her out for a future date. If it didn’t go well, you can end with, “Thanks again. See you at _______.”
- Post date–you can ask her once if she had a good time. Whatever she says, believe her. Do not ask her again and again. People don’t like being asked the same thing over and over. If you truly suspect she is only being polite by saying she had a nice time, then just move on. Be friendly with her. Let her initiate another outing. If she doesn’t, just remain friends.
- Be patient. Dating is tricky for anyone. The right person will love you for you and will be totally worth the wait. I know it’s hard to wait and be patient, but wait and be patient. In the meantime, have fun as you learn the social skills of dating and flirting.
My third eldest son just recently went to prom and by and large followed these rules. His date had a great time (posted how great it was on three social media sites) and her mother and father (with whom I am friends) could not be more pleased with how well he treated her. They plan to go out again after the big end-of-year tests are done.
For a humorous take on flirting and body language, check out THIS video. For a lesson in what NOT to do, see THIS one.
